Seeking…..

Today I don’t have, “things i’m diggin”. Today, I have words. And thoughts. That’s it. Here goes.

I recently had a new friend come into my life. After a night of staying out way too late, while sipping coffee on the couch until late in the afternoon, we had one of those “getting to know you” conversations. We talked about life experiences, relationships, and  friendships. It felt good.

Several weeks past. Other friendships and  relationships dissolved. And I felt pretty depressed about it all.

I spent some time reflecting on my sadness and my disappointment in people. And the insight and perspective of another person. I came to a realization, I’ve spent so much time trying to help other people, and hanging on to relationships and friendships full of dysfunction because they were what I knew and who I thought I was supposed to be with, that I lost sight of what’s really important, me! I’ve spent so much time  trying to help other people be happy and invested so much in their happiness that I feel like I’ve lost concept of my own worth.

I think about that new friend and her life experiences. She’s been through so much and doesn’t carry any of the negativity or sadness of the past with her. She looks forward to the future with optimism and hope. Then I look at my life and I think, “What the hell am I doing?!”  I mean, I’m losing all this sleep over what? OTHER people’s happiness?! When at the end of the day, all that matters, all that I’m in control of, is mine.

I know it sounds Buddhist, (and no, I haven’t been smokin anything. Though, i wouldn’t mind it. ;) ) if I’m happy, everything else in my life is happy too. I don’t attract those people with endless problems, drama and emotional drain. Those people don’t gravitate towards happy people. They look for people that are lost just like them. People that NEED other people. I don’t need those people. I need happy. I read a quote today that really moved me. Maybe it’s because of  this emotional, pensive state I’m in, but I find it to be SO true.

“Your attitude in every moment defines what you are seeking. And what you seek, is what you get.”— Ralph Marston

It’s time to seek my own happiness.
J
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One thought on “Seeking…..

  1. this is coo, cuz.
    your self-reflection on your full circle emotional experience and discussion of life approaches was insightful and thought provoking.
    im happy fo u.

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